JesusWalk Bible Study Forum: Q2. Balanced Husbands and Wives - JesusWalk Bible Study Forum

Q2. (18:16-19) How can fathers and husbands strike the right balance -- of being godly, caring leaders without being dictators? How can mothers and wives strike the right balance -- of being submissive and at the same time being open about their needs and desires? (I know of no Christian cookie-cutter answer to this. It must be contientiously worked out within the crucible of marriage.)

Fathers and husbands can strike the right balance -- of being godly, caring leaders without being dictators by being firm, but kind. Mothers and wives strike the right balance -- of being submissive and at the same time being open about their needs and desires by compromise and honesty.

I think it boils down to "have love for one another" with love there
is also respect caring and honesty for each other

Q2. (18:16-19) How can fathers and husbands strike the right balance -- of being godly, caring leaders without being dictators? How can mothers and wives strike the right balance -- of being submissive and at the same time being open about their needs and desires? (I know of no Christian cookie-cutter answer to this. It must be conscientiously worked out within the crucible of marriage.)


I agree with Peggy Sue's comment. Love must be at the root of all we do, all we act on. All that Christ did He did out of love and obedience to the Father. Within the garden He asked if there was any way that this cup could pass, yet he also said, "not my will...but yours." That is an example of the love He had for the Father and the Father’s will.

I know that relationships can be positively affected and balanced when each person looks at another in love first. True love as we are commanded to give freely, influences all of our actions. God's word speaks to the above relationships and He tells us to train children in His way. He states if we do that, when our children grow up they will not depart from it.

He further teaches us that wives should submit to their husbands. You want to hear the truth, wives never have a problem being submissive when the husband follows God's word. My wife never questions my reasons when I say, honey I have prayed about this, sought direction in God's word and here is what I think we should do or here is what I believe is the right path to take. Always after presenting my decision she agrees. At times she even gives me further input that directs us in another direction. That new direction comes from God also and He uses her as a messenger. You know, I believe my wife completes me; she is strong in many areas that I am weak in. I do the same for her. That is what God used to attract us to each other. We are soul mates married 28 years.

I do not believe that people who seek God's will in what they do have problems in relationships that are spawned through their actions based on God’s word/direction. Yes, I know that there are problems in today’s Christian homes, yet when there are, they arise because someone is not following God and they have given the devil a foothold. Again, that is my belief.

So, the answer in my mind is love. When we do things out of love there is no "I". There is a concern for another, a strong desire to do what is right, not what serves self. Therein lays the balance that allows relationships to grown and blossom.

Q2. (18:16-19) How can fathers and husbands strike the right balance -- of being godly, caring leaders without being dictators? How can mothers and wives strike the right balance -- of being submissive and at the same time being open about their needs and desires? (I know of no Christian cookie-cutter answer to this. It must be contientiously worked out within the crucible of marriage.)

Jose has summed it up correctly. We need to be based on the word of God for our daily actions and decisions. That way the correct balance between loving, caring and dictatorship rests. Any decision, taken with the background of the Word of God, appeals to either spouse and there is no opposition for it provided they both are grounded in the Word of God. Love conquers all. Hatred, jealousy, one-upmanship etc are all covered by the all conquering love. In love, there is no place for self. When self is given up, the natural consequence is harmony. And harmony is love between the husband and wife and children. Who can beat that?

Pastor Ralph, on Oct 7 2004, 01:48 PM, said:

For our dads & husbands: By obeying The Word of God. That dictatorship thing is all about control, greed, & worldly things. Dictatorship is cruel, unless it's Gods' rule and I gladly follow Him.

For our moms & wives: By obeying The Word of God. I can get more personal with the rest of this part of the answer because I am a woman & X-wife. As a child I did what my dad said because I didn't have a choise. I was under the impression that my needs & desires didn't count or matter, as a matter of fact I was good for nothing. I now know that that is not true.

As a wife I submitted but was beaten down into the good for nothing I tried so desperately not to be. I deserved it, all of it. I was rebellious to God. But God loves me so much. He saved my life countless times. He didn't let my hope burn out, although it's come real close several times. He did this when I was not seeking Him. I forgot about Him, but He did not forget me.

I yearn to be with my Abba in Heaven! The trials are painful and I am so sorry that I hurt God & mankind, not because I suffer, but because Jesus suffered for me, for us. I count the suffering of the trials Joy though, for The Holy Spirit Comforts me, and leads me into Understanding. I still don't really know how to ask for what I need or desire because I have been such a waste. But God Forgave me, and provides my needs and I am greatful, but I don't know if I should even ask Him for any more for myself. I did finally learn how to ask mankind for what I need. Ug, Thank You God for all the various avenues You use in order to help me. Hallelujah!!!

Quote

2.) Marriage is a complimentary relationship between a man and a woman. There is a give and take from both. Sacrifices from both. Dare I say "agape" type love? The need for the foundation of the relationship to be built on the foundation of Christ Jesus - with God honoring being first place. Then all else falls into place.

If a husband loves his wife just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her then a woman will be submissive to her husband as Paul teaches in Ephesians 5: 22-30. If a husband loves his wife as he does his own body a wife will want to submit to him. The husband that puts Christ first and his family second is living the way the LORD wants him to live and a wife should be willing to let him lead the family spiritually and every other way. Then there will be harmony in the home.

First Peter exhorts husbands to “live with your wives with understanding of their weaker nature yet showing them honor as co-heirs of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered”. (1Pe 3:7)

Peter further instructs wives to keep a Christian lifestyle and to “submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, even if some disobey the Christian message, they may be won over without a message by the way their wives live”. (1Pe 3:1)

And Proverbs teaches us on disciplining our children. But we are to take great care in doing so.

That’s how it is supposed to go—but it doesn’t happen without continuing refinement. And the refining process often brings setbacks accompanied by pain and hurt when we fail to respect our spouse—when we overstep our bounds—when husbands lead without humility—when wives resist God’s call to submit.

Husbands and wives need to understand that submission has nothing to do with equality—before God we are equal. Too often we lose that perspective. So how do we strike the right balance? Pray together. I’m sure that many of us have knelt at the bedside with our children to pray, but how many of us do that with our spouse—too few, too seldom. Pray together to seek guidance and ask forgiveness.

*Great responses from the forum.

To strike a balance of being godly carintg leaders, Husbands (as the role of
spiritual leader) should give due respect unto the wife as a co-heir in Christ.
He should bring up his children in the care and admonition of the Lord. He
should pray with the family and teach them the ways of the Lord.

Wives can strike the right balance by being submissive to the priestly office
of the husband and to be supportive in his endeavours to please the Lord.
Those who expect family blessings must make conscience of family duty

Pastor Ralph, on Oct 7 2004, 01:48 PM, said:

How can fathers and husbands strike the right balance -- of being godly, caring leaders without being dictators? How can mothers and wives strike the right balance -- of being submissive and at the same time being open about their needs and desires? (I know of no Christian cookie-cutter answer to this. It must be contientiously worked out within the crucible of marriage.)

It's all about submission to each other . . . of being assertive, and loving without compromising God’s truth.

We should love honor and respect one another. The husband is there as the head and the wife as his helpmeet. Even if the husband does not believe or the wife they are to be treated with the respect and honor you yourself desire. In that way Christ is honored and that should be the desire of all who know Him. It is a great witness to the nonbelieving world- godly submission in Christ.
god Bless!
Jen

I think fathers and husbands, mothers and wives can only strike the right balance through real study of the Bible (meaning that they have a great need to actually know the answers to these questions). My first reaction is that if they can't study and pray earnestly together, then avoid marriage like the plague. If this is not on the husband's initiative, then avoid that marriage like the plague, because the husband is to be the family priest. He will never respect his wife taking that initiative, even if he doesn't take it.

I believe that fathers are to hold themselves responsible for the peace, welfare, and happiness of all members of the household. (That doesn't mean that wives can nag them about this!). This means that fathers are responsible for bringing their sons(particularly) and daughters into line with honouring their mother. She is not the major disciplinarian in the family, and cannot be truly feminine (with a quiet and gentle spirit which the children need to experience), if she has to be (as in single parent families) both father and mother, especially of sons.

The first family duty of a father is to love the mother, so that she, as the weaker vessel, can operate safely in her responsibilities to him and to the children. She (her gentleness) is safe when she is loved, and the children are required to respect and obey her. This of course means understanding the wife's needs and point of view, and providing for them. For this he must be a good listener. Second duty is to be the teacher of the children, especially the boys, so that they understand the reasons for things, and can gain wisdom, and learn their protective role around women, children and weaker men. For this he needs to be wise in the ways of God, and well able to speak about these things, and anything else that the children want to learn about the world God made, and how to operate in it (by which I mean that it is an exciting world with millions of opportunities for exploration, some of which the children will certainly want to experiment with)

He is never to tease his wife about submission to him. That advice was given to wives, and was not addressed to husbands for their domination and selfish dictation. If he is found abusing her with this scripture, remind him that out of the heart the mouth speaks, and what did his last slave die of?

Mothers and wives are invested by God with a great deal of wisdom (if they are operating correctly). If their husband is aware of this he will often seek it and use it. Wives must speak what they believe and need and what they understand will be good and valuable for the children, (I did not say demand). I believe they should insist on things that are needful for the children, as they are so in tune with them. All the women of note in the old testament were able to present a point of view, even Esther, who called the whole Jewish nation in Babylon to three days of fasting. This did not in any way conflict with her respect and obedience to the very wise Mordecai. Although she treated the King with the utmost respect, she was able, at the right time, and in the right manner, to make her requests to the king. In so doing she did not in any way demean him, but honoured him even while doing that. He was very happy to listen to her, because she was always eager to please him, and never defiant. She posed no threat to him as Vashti had done. In other words, she completely supported his position and authority at all times, both in his presence and in his absence, (otherwise he would have heard about it) winning respect all round. I think this is the clue for women. The man must always be supported as head of the house, and appreciated as the breadwinner and provider. (Even if she does work, I believe family needs must come first with her, and it's his basic responsibility to provide).

Of course, if either one is operating off balance, then the role for the other becomes very difficult indeed, so there are difficulties in every marriage, none of us being perfect. But, by and large, striking the balance is possible, as I have seen in some marriages with amazing results (meaning that the children turn out well and the whole family remains united as one, even when the children grow up.

If one parent is way off balance (eg coming home drunk and abusing the mother and frightening the children), then I think different perspectives come in. I do have to laugh, because I once asked my (ex) husband whether I may stand for election on a committee to which he had shown much opposition, explaining to him that if I went on it, it would be for a whole year, and I could not leave it in the middle of the year if he got cross about it. He agreed that I could, and later complained to my pastor, who took issue with me, saying that I had asked him when he was in a good mood! What else would I do? That pastor, I later learned, was having babies outside of his marriage! Neither man had much capacity for appreciating women in the real sense.

What was missing, in both cases, was COMMUNICATION This is the essential thing in any relationship. Business deals are not done without good communication, and marriages founder without it. It is amazing how many people would never treat their customers/clients/colleagues the way they treat their wives. They understand clearly enough that this would not win them friends of influence people favourably! So what is different at home?

Excuse my long homily, but this is one area that is terribly important to me!

From this Scripture we can see that Sarah’s response to the promise of a child differed very little from that of her husband. He laughed, she laughed. I noticed that the Lord directed his rebuke for Sarah’s laughter toward Abraham first. This is definitely telling me something about the Lord and what He expects.

Fathers and husbands need to have faith that nothing is too difficult for the Lord. They need to believe in the promises of God. If husbands and fathers thoughts are more like the Lords and they are maturing in the Lord, I believe the fellowship with the Lord will bring about the right balance, although mistakes are sure to be made. Faith will be mirrored by the family. This man has an awesome responsibility to the Lord and his family.

It’s probably easier for me to answer this question regarding what I believe my husband should be doing! It’s a lot harder for me to answer about myself. I do believe that mothers and wives can help their husbands mature. If we, as women, see that our husbands faith is faltering we should not follow by losing faith, we should encourage our husbands to faith in the Lord. Our relationship with the Lord should be giving us the ability to submit and obtain the desires of our hearts at the same time. Again, intimacy with the Lord will keep you focused and you will have the ability to strike the right balance. Remember mercy and patience. We all make mistakes and if we love as our Lord loves when mistakes are made we can rise to the occasion with a spirit of love.

By example!! Being the spiritual leader of the family and to teach his children the ways of the Lord, by doing what is right and just.
By studying the Word and discernment the woman can be submissive to her husband. She will know exactly what God says about all situations if she studies The Word herself.

By being what GOD has called them to me spiritual and Godly men. By setting examples for them to see. Read the word and do the word is the best thing a man can do to lead his children. He should bring up his children in the care and admonition of the Lord. Be more than a reader of the word be a doer of the word. Then the children wife and all will fall into place. Jesus told us that a mans body is his wifes and his wifes body is his and it they will respect each other all things will work out for them if they keep God in the center he will balance the relationship for them. He has to be first at all times. God will not take second place in any life. Being submissive does not mean you are going to go against the will of God it means God first them your husband then the children balance is very important in serving God.

How can fathers and husbands strike the right balance -- of being godly, caring leaders without being dictators?

Being the head of the household means to be the spiritual head of the household. That in turn means leading a Godly life and leading by a Godly example. A husband needs to be sensative and still be firm at times.
Husbands need to be respectful of their wives, discussing things with them before making decisions. But they must keep in mind that God holds them responsible for the decisions they make regarding the welfare of their family.


How can mothers and wives strike the right balance -- of being submissive and at the same time being open about their needs and desires? (I know of no Christian cookie-cutter answer to this. It must be contientiously worked out within the crucible of marriage.)

Being a submissive wife does not mean being a doormat, but instead being a woman who respects the position of her Christian husband, the position God has put him in. It's much easier for a wife to be submissive toward a loving, caring husband than one who tries to be a dictator. A husband needs to listen to the needs of his wife and vice versa.

Q2= IN ANY RELATIONSHIP,HUSBAND,WIFE,PARENTS, CHILDREN THERE IS WORK AND THERE IS BALANCE (NOT ALWAYS EASY TO DO). BEING IN SUBJECT TO CHRIST AND KNOWING OUR SPIRITUAL POSITIONS IN CHRIST WILL KEEP US CENTERED. EPHESIANS CH. 5.

We are all human and make many mistakes. Finding the workable balance is only realistically and practically possible when we seek God’s grace, direction and strength to gain the discernment and the wisdom to apply it in the majority of situations. Families can easily get too intense for us to retain any training, careful thought or counseled choices. Parents and even spouses get too rushed to respond to situations by relying on God’s quiet inner voice. We often respond or act impulsively and unconsciously to perhaps realize the effects much later. Planning and strategy are helpful for husband/father and wife/ mother roles, but, still very difficult to implement in the heat of the moment. Lets all pray for ourselves and those we love in these rolls to be more dependent on God’s wisdom and guidance, than our old selfish natures.

The formula Jesus demonstrated in His leadership was by being completely obedient to His Master, Our Father, and yet also a servant to us. This is the formula we should adopt. Be obedient first to the Lord and then to love our families as Christ loves His church. Sometimes it takes rebuking and discipiline but that is not to be confused with acting out in anger but in love. If any of our thoughts, actions or words dishonor the Lord, we are out of line. When a couple strives in their obedience to God, everything will fall into place, just as we strive individually to fulfill the 1st commandment we automatically fulfill everything else.