jpalmer

Trials do help me to grow Spiritually. I somehow equate trials or difficulties as discipline. Perhaps not as outright punishment, but simply as a gentle reminder that there is always a price to pay for sin. I am a recovering addict. Like many others in my situation, I did not gain lasting sobriety after my first attempt. I struggled with this for years. I seem to remember that I would be doing real well, then, out of nowhere, I would have a "slip". This happened many times and I began to notice something. Everytime I would mess up and use drugs, something bad always happened. I would get high, then a day or two later, the transmission would go out in my truck. I would get high again, then a couple days laterI would make a huge mistake at work. I would commit another sin and sure enough, a day or two later, I would come down with the flu. I am not sure if God punishes me or if He merely allows things to happen. Either way, in my mind, I believed that sin equates to hardship. I feel that might be the only way God could actually get my attention. So by experiencing trials and hardships, then considering them to be the direct result of sin in my life, I am able to grow in numerous ways including faith.

To some extent, I have, at the bare minimum allowed the trials in my life to damage me if not destroy me. After years of addiction, I now have hep c. God has healed me of my addictive lifestyle, but the so-called "wreckage of my past" still to this day rears it's ugly head. However, I have made great strides by the grace of my Heavenly Father to take back much of what I so easily allowed Satan to take from me. I went to school for a couple years, developed a skilled trade that did not involve working in a restuaurant / bar, rebuilt my credit and become a productive law abiding citizen. I still feel terrible guilt and have trouble forgiving myself because of the pain I have caused my family and friends. I feel bad that I have Hepatitis C, but sometimes I feel a sense of relief, like I deserve that punishment and it somehow helps with the guilt. This, I know is dysfunctional thinking. God has forgiven my sins. Jesus Christ died a horrific death that my sins could be forgiven. Because I have asked God for his forgiveness, and because I have repented and changed my lifestyle, nothing else is required. I no longer need to feel guilty and beat myself up over this. Actually, I do not have the right to beat myself up, as I believe it works to negate the price Christ paid for me. I believe I will be cured of this illness. I know that God can and will heal me. I am afraid however, that my faith alone is not at this time strong enough for healing me without medical treatment. My faith is strong enough that I believe with all my heart that once I complete the 1.5 years of chemo (interferon) that I will walk away a healed man. My statistical odds are just under 50%, and this is where my faith does kick in. I know that I will be a success story and that the medication will cure me with God's help and with God's favor. I also am believing, though I do struggle with this, that I will not be so sick from the medication that I cannot work or function. I work as a welder / fabricator for a great company, and I am paid well and my healthcare is part of my benefit package. It is, however, a very hot, physical job. Also, my mother recently passed away leaving my 83 year old father alone. My wife and I moved in with Dad after the funeral and began caring for him. My brother and sister are unable to do a whole lot to help with this huge endeavor. I saw after only a couple weeks the strain this was putting on my wife, so I told her she could return home until I figured out what to do. I promised Mom that I would do everything possible to keep Dad out of a nursing home, and I intend to keep this promise. After a couple more weeks, I told my wife that I could not do this without her, and that perhaps we could move Dad to our home. She said instead that she was thiniking more along the lines of ending our marriage. I feel very overwhelmed. But still I believe that God will see me through these trials. I know I will come out stronger in faith as the result. My prayer is that I will not be too sick from the treatment and that I will be able to not only work, but also continue to care for Dad. I understand it will be hard, I just pray that it is possible. I believe that it is possible through Him who strengthens me. Satan has hit me hard. That is his job, that is his purpose. He comes to steal, kill and destroy. But greater is He who is in me than he who is in the world! He may deal me hard blow, but he will not be victorious.